Scared to post...

Wow!  I haven’t written since April when I dropped the Autism bomb.  A lot has happened in our lives since then.  There are so many stories I want to share and so many times I started writing my next entry but didn’t.  There are many reasons why I haven’t actually gotten a post out.  One of the big ones is that something will happen, and I think “yes I need to write about this.”  I start jotting ideas and then I don’t know how to word something, or the ideas don’t flow smoothly, and my perfectionist just gives up.  If I can’t make it perfect, then I shouldn’t put anything out.  I know it is a silly notion as I type it here, but I get self-conscious about my ideas and thoughts and want them to be the best reflection of myself.  I feel like people will judge my grammar or run on sentences, so I just don’t put out those stories or feelings at all to protect myself.

Another big component that stops me from posting is will anyone care about the post or are people humoring me when they comment.  Maybe people don’t care about my life and what happens with my family.  Maybe I’m not funny or witty and then I get that in my brain and get discouraged.  I look at other “mom blogs” and they share recipes and have articles with tips and support.  All I do is share stories about my life and family, especially the funny parts to make people laugh.  Without even meaning to I just opened a can of worms; I guess another reason I stop myself from posting sometimes is that I am comparing myself to others.  We all do that and no good really comes from it but its hard not to sometimes.

I started this blog 5 years ago as a humorous look at motherhood, but some things aren’t funny like when you have to take your 9 year old to get a psych evaluation because he says he wants to hurt himself.  That right there is another reason I hesitate to post what’s happening in my life, it’s raw and scary.  Taking your child to an emergency mental health facility where the beds are bolted down and the person in the room next to him was brought in for cutting her wrists is not funny and it’s very REAL.  It’s scary for me and I feel vulnerable sharing it with you.  And also, should I be sharing these things with you?  They are very personal and hard and sometimes I feel like I am betraying my family by sharing them; especially Charlie.  There are some situations that happen that I don’t feel I can share because of the folks involved like teachers or family members.  These are not really my stories to tell even though I think that the story is important to share or has a good meaning.  Maybe I shouldn’t blog about those things, but a part of me thinks that everyone has shit they are dealing with and maybe sharing my shit is helping others.

As I write this, it is clear to me that the real main reason that I am hesitant to post things is I’m scared.  I don’t want people to think I am a bad writer, or bad mother, or bad daughter or wife.  I am scared of being judged.  Because the risk of putting your life online is that people can pass judgement on you based on your truths.  I am scared what people think of me.  With this post, I was trying to give you a look inside all the things going on in my head when I go to write a new entry.  As I started writing, it became a little more real and more emotional than I thought it would be.  I started trying to give you excuses for why I haven’t written in 4 months, but it really brought up the fact that sharing is scary, and this blog is more than just funny stories, it is my real life that I am putting out there.  Putting your life out there is scary, but I hope I can be brave and continue to blog because it is a release for me and a way to share my fears.  I hope this inspires someone else who is scared to take the leap and do what makes you scared because it does bring a sense of peace.  Maybe putting this out there in the universe will make it easier for me to post more frequently in the future. Thanks for reading and being a part of this journey.