My Biggest Fear...
My biggest fear is that one of my kiddos will get hurt or die. I think that most moms have this fear to some degree. Mine might be taken a little too far. Intrusive thoughts that cause you anxiety are a part of my OCD. To help alleviate my fears I prep and plan. I have smoke detectors in every room and a carbon dioxide monitor in the garage. I have 2 fire extinguishers, as well as fire blankets and gloves in multiple places in my home. I have a device to save someone from choking; I have it in 3 sizes Adult, Child, and Toddler. I have an enormous first aid kit and every medicine you could imagine. No matter how much I plan and prepare, my kids still find ways to try and kill themselves.
Yesterday evening we were all talking about what to have for dinner when the dog came in from the back yard. Charlie and I went into the garage to get something out of the freezer for dinner and Jim was in the office right by the garage. Charlie and I were maybe in the garage for 20 to 30 seconds. When I came back into the house Cora was missing. The backdoor was open, and I thought that being the sneaky, outdoor-loving girl she is that she may have made a break for the backyard. As I walked out the backyard, I saw my daughter in the pool. That’s right she was in the kiddie swimming pool. I said a small prayer of thanks that she wasn’t face down but was happily splashing away in her clothes.
It can happen that fast. I could have come out and found her face down. The thought makes me nauseous. I do so much to protect my kids, but I can’t be with them every second. No matter how much I have prepped they figure out a way around it, or over it, or through it. How can I keep my babies safe if they are always trying to kill themselves! Why does every child love electrical outlets?
I wonder how other moms deal with this fear. Are they preppers and preparers like me? Are they laid back and worry free? Am I the only one with fire blankets and dechokers? I find myself thinking of ways they can get hurt and making plans to stop them. Am I normal? I just find out that a friend’s daughter has cancer. How do I protect them from that? It keeps me up at night. I guess this is just part of being a parent that you must learn to deal with and let go of the fear. How do I let go of the fear?
I don’t think its in my nature to ever let go of the fear all the way, which is probably keeps most kids alive. Their parents hold on to that fear to some degree and live accordingly. What I do need to let go of are my fears that I can’t control. I can prepare for a fire at my house by having fire extinguishers and smoke detectors, but I cannot prepare for cancer. No one can.
I think I will always have a fully stocked first aid kit and cabinet locks and will do everything I can to keep my kids safe, but that’s all I can do. I will have to accept that I cannot protect them from everything, and they may get hurt along the way. I just need to patch them up and give myself a little grace.