My daughter Cora had her 15 month check up this week and she has an astigmatism in both eyes. My husband called to tell me this and that she may need glasses and my first thought was...I'm a failure. What??? Why would that be my first thought...mom guilt. I am overly prone to my guilt. I feel it frequently and intensely. Mom guilt is worse in people with OCD and you guessed it I have OCD. I compulsively obsess over everything from dirt on the floor to glasses on my daughter.
I don't think glasses are bad or that people with glasses are deficient in some way. Pretty much my whole family wears glasses including my parents and my husband. But for some reason my child potentially (that's right it's not even for sure) having to have glasses brought me to tears. I felt like I had done it to her or something. As it turns out, I too had a diagnosis of an astigmatism in both eyes this week. I need glasses. So maybe I did do it to her. It's funny though that I jumped to me first as the obvious failure even though my husband has horrible eyes. Why didn't I blame him first? It's obvious that blame isn't the point but it is interesting that I took this on as a failure as a mom. Why do we do that as mothers??? I can logically think oh glasses no big deal, but no inside I felt awful.
After a couple of days I think I have talked my self down. Glasses aren't the end of the world. Cora would look adorable in glasses if she has to get them and I am not a failure as a mom if she does need them. She had a clean bill of health and I am focusing on that achievement. She is healthy and happy and I am grateful for that. Why cant I compulsively obsess about that?